Growing up without that father daughter bonding, daddy’s girl, my daddy – my hero way of life made for zero self-worth. I never received that total acceptance kind of love from the man in my life. Instead it was filled with fear, doubt and ridicule. I think about the relationship with my kids and my grandkids and how they are comfortable just climbing up in my lap or sitting beside me without hesitation and I think “this is how it should be – this is love”. I don’t remember ever being able to do that. I remember thinking if I just stay away then I am safe.

I know now that this man loved me but he lacked self-worth himself so he behaved badly to compensate. As a teenager, a friend of the family convinced us that I should enter a beauty contest. I thought “oh my, I’m not sure I can do that. I can’t get up there in front of all those people to be gawked at”. But I did it and to my surprise I won. So I entered another one and another one. I liked winning – it made me feel good about myself. It made me think “maybe I do have value”. I entered a lot of pageants and I won a lot but not all. When I didn’t win dad would go right up to the judges and ask why. He would say “are you blind? she is the prettiest one here”. WHAAAAAAT???? He thought I was pretty? He never told me that growing up. He never made me feel that way. In fact it was quite the opposite. So I began to find self worth in my appearance. I began to notice that boys were looking at me and I began to feel pretty (as every girl should). BUT that is not all there is to self worth. I needed to find value in me, not my looks. This is a lesson I was still learning well into my adulthood. Finding value.

I remember being very artistic when I was in school. I loved art. I loved being creative. I have always heard that if you are ambidextrous you use both sides of your brain and are very artistic. In fact some very famous people like  Michelangelo, Einstein, Tesla, Leonardo da Vinci, and Truman were all ambidextrous. I was left handed as a child and dad was just not going to have that (for reasons I do not know) so he forced me to use my right hand. I would sit down to eat and automatically use my left hand and he would correct me. So I began to use my right. I learned to write with my right but could also use my left. As I became older I began to use both hands when applying makeup (notice how most women use only one hand for applying mascara – crossing over), I also began to draw and paint with both hands and was equally comfortable with both. But strangely I can only brush my teeth with my left hand. It’s weird I know. But anyway I have him to thank for that. He did me a favor and didn’t even know it. I became very interested in art in high school. I loved art class. I couldn’t wait to get there everyday to paint. It relaxed me. There was a calmness to it. But that didn’t last very long because that’s when I became pregnant, got married and quit school.

Fast forward to being pregnant with my second child (as you know I was divorced and had a toddler), I was living back at home. I just found out that my biological father had passed away and I went into a sadness that I can’t explain and that I never really talked about. I decided that I wanted to pursue art again. So I took an art class and began to paint. Again, it calmed me. I was at peace behind that paint brush. But then my second child was born and there was not time for painting. Life happened.

After I had my third child I was working from home and began dabbling in arts and crafts again. I painted a few murals and I did paintings as gifts for friends. Dad said you should really do this for a living. I thought boy wouldn’t that be great! But I know that phrase “starving artist” is not just an expression. It is very hard to make a living as an artist. So I moved on. I did however pick up a different expression of art. I began to decorate homes. I had an eye for balance and beauty. I was in my element yet again. I loved it. I had no formal training just a natural talent for it. My brain would explode with ideas and I could not wait to help clients transform their homes. I did this for years until I went through my second divorce. I needed a change so I entered the corporate world. It was good to me for about 25 years but I became restless. I would always jump at the chance to help friends and family decorate their homes.  And after my third divorce I decided to pick up a paint brush again and it felt great! I believe God gave me this talent and I believe God ordained the act of changing me from a lefty to a righty.

No matter where life has taken me He always brings me back to my passion. So right now in this moment of my life I decided to take a minute to breathe and to pray and to fast and to search God for my purpose in this thing we call life. My children are grown and have growing families. I absolutely LOVE being a grandmother and I want a house full of them. I want to leave a legacy of love and kindness. I want to teach them to love themselves and to find value in themselves. I want them to know I love them every minute of every day. I want to give them what I did not have. I want them to find their passion in life.

The lesson here is I had value all along because I belong to God. No matter what your circumstances are or where your place in life is, God is always there. If you let Him He will guide you to where you are supposed to be. You are valued by Him. He gave me a gift in the midst of a terrible storm and I am grateful. XOXO

 

 

 

Hey Peaches! I’m back.

The million dollar question is: “How do I find Mr. Right?”

There are a lot of theories on this and I think I have pretty much heard them all. I would say that a big percentage of couples met when they were young, got married and had kids and lived happily ever after……not necessarily. The misconception of happily ever after is that you will marry prince charming and both live in some sort of marital nirvana. This is not true. Happily ever after means accepting each others imperfect parts and realizing that forgiveness is a huge part of being happy with each other. You see men and women were created different, we look different, we act different and we think different and we even hear things different. For example: If I say “I have nothing to wear”, a woman hears “nothing new” and a man hears “nothing clean”. We have to learn to HEAR what the other person is saying in order to understand each other.

Couples that married young and stayed together have worked hard at keeping their relationship with each other a priority. Love, respect and forgiveness. None of us are perfect and we are going to make mistakes, we are going to hurt each others feelings because we are just different. But to recognize that and say “I’m sorry” whenever it is needed is key. I know what you are thinking “I’ve heard I’m sorry so many times and things don’t change”. That is manipulation. What I’m talking about is true respect and forgiveness – humility. It’s not easy and not everyone is going to be able to do it. That’s why the divorce rate is so high. If you are going to make your relationship work, you BOTH have to be committed to each other. So when I said that I was committed to each of my marriages as much as I could be that is what I meant. Some people say that if you love someone you will stay with them no matter what. Well I say it depends on what the “what” is. There are a lot of “whats” that break up a marriage and there are a lot of “whats” that kill your love for someone. Yes I said it. You can kill love. Can you love someone and not respect them? Sure you can but it doesn’t make a lasting relationship. Can you respect someone and not love them? Sure you can but it doesn’t make a lasting relationship. Sooner or later one of you is going to give up trying if you don’t have both love and respect for each other.

Infidelity: That’s a big “what”. Some people do forgive this and they go on to have a very happy relationship. For some people it is a deal breaker period. There is the matter of trust. Will I ever be able to trust them again? Some say “once a cheater, always a cheater”.  Well for the most part I do believe this to be true but there are those few that truly regret falling into that trap and destroying the other person’s trust. Some people say they could never trust them again. I say it is a matter of choice. You can choose to forgive and you can choose to trust. Now don’t get me wrong – that trust has to be earned back – it does not come so easily but it can be done. But both have to be committed to working through it. Not just one person forgiving and the other pretending it never happened. No, you have to BOTH work through it. That is respect for each other. Some people just simply choose not to put themselves in the position to be hurt again and I totally get it. It’s about choices and we all have them.

Abuse: That’s a big “what”. A LOT of women (and men) forgive over and over and over. For some, once is a deal breaker. There are many forms of abuse. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and mental abuse. Abuse is not ok in any form.  Physical abuse – you hit me once – I’m gone. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse can happen over a period of time like the frog in warm water and you don’t really recognize it for what it is until you wake up one day and say “How did I get here and how do I get out?”.  If a person stays in an abusive relationship because they think it’s the right thing to do because they made a commitment, they are wrong. You are never required to be someone’s punching bag for any reason. This is not love or respect in any shape form or fashion. Statistics are not in your favour on this one, because more often than not it ends violently and tragically. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out, seek help, you are not alone.

Attracting the right person is dependant on a vast array of circumstances. I don’t care who you are or where you came from, you can attract the wrong person and you can attract the right person. You just have to be able to recognize the difference in the two and make good choices. Now I’m not saying that my past relationships were with terrible people (with the exception of the last one – a true narcissist). But what I am saying is that they were not the right people for me. And I was not the right person for them, otherwise we would still be together. There were a number of circumstances in each relationship and we made choices that didn’t work out.

So how do you find Mr. Right? One theory (and this is the most popular at the moment) is online dating sites. I know people who have found “the one” and are now happily married, but I have also heard all of the nightmares from both male and female that comes from online dating experiences. Another theory is church groups, if you join a church group surely you will find a good christian partner, not necessarily true. Then there is the meeting by chance, serendipity. This is by far the most romantic but unfortunately this usually only works out in the movies. I’m not saying it can’t but I am saying it usually does not.

After my third divorce I let a friend convince me to join a popular online dating group – it was not for me. After about a week and a half I had to shut that thing down! I wasn’t at all sure I really wanted another relationship but I wanted companionship. So I had a conversation with God. After three failed marriages I needed to make sure I did not make the same mistakes again. I did not want to go through another marriage/divorce. First I had to make sure I was ready. I had to make sure I was in a place of happiness just being me. I was enjoying life and I was not going to “look” for a man. I told God that if there was a man for me out there, He would have to bring him straight to my doorstep. This time I needed the right man, the man God prepared for me. Mr. Right. I made a list of qualities that I wanted in a man and it was a very detailed list, then I asked God to change it, add to it, I asked him to transform the list into His list for me. I had no idea what that looked like but I knew I trusted Him and He had my very best interest at heart. Afterall, He did create me and He knew my past and my present and my future. So I waited.

One day I got a call from a very old and dear friend. Someone that had been there for me on many occasions and whom I trusted completely. He said, “hello dear, I have someone I would like for you to meet”. My first thought was “oh jeez, I’m not sure about this”, but I listened as he talked and he began to describe this man. I actually started to giggle because everything he said about this man was everything on my list. They weren’t just general qualities, they were specific qualities down to the last detail. Half way through the phone call I knew that God had sent this man to my doorstep (so to speak) and that I had to meet him so I agreed.

We went on our first date on February 22, 2013 and the rest as they say is history. He is a true gentleman in every sense of the word and I am committed to him and our relationship. We are enjoying life and each other and the best is yet to come.

 

So I was going to title this blog post “Failed Relationships” but the more I thought about it the more I realized that they were also part of the pruning process so they took on a whole new meaning. To say failed is to imply there were no lessons learned and believe me, I learned a lot. I learned a lot about me and my ability to have a healthy relationship and I also learned a lot about the capabilities of others to maintain a healthy relationship. I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings because believe it or not I don’t hate my past – I appreciate it.

Love & Respect are key ingredients for a successful relationship. If you don’t have those mastered you are not going to make it. And as you all know from my last post that respect was not one that I had mastered. So I will take full responsibility for my contribution in past relationships. I have had three marriages and three divorces. I feel like a complete failure just speaking those words. I have to constantly remind myself that I was not alone. I was committed to each one of those relationships as much as I could possibly be, given what I had to work with. When you have two people who are not on the same page and can not communicate you have a recipe for disaster.

Marriage number one: I was 16 and pregnant. Boy I just jumped right in there on that one huh? First of all the fact that I was 16 and pregnant confirms that fact that I had zero respect for myself and I allowed myself to be disrespected. At 16 I was still trying to figure out who I was. Of course I didn’t realize that at the time. At 16 I thought I knew what love was and there was no way I was going to do anything other than marry the father of my child. I was presented with alternative situations but we were determined this was the way to go. I was 16 and he was 18 – we were ready to live on our own and be responsible adults. LOL – NOT. At 18 years old I found myself divorced with one child and one on the way.

Marriage number two: I was 22 and raising two children on my own. I had moved back home after my divorce but things became ugly again so I moved in with a friend. Then I met husband number two. He was also divorced and had two small children. We thought it would be grand to get married. Let me tell you if you don’t have any experience in blended families – it – is – hard. We were married 14 years and had one child together.

Marriage number three: I am still kicking myself over this one. I was completely vulnerable when this one came along and he took full advantage of it. I was 37 and really should have known better. The signs were there from the very beginning but I was so desperate for someone to love me that I ignored them. He also had two children that were living with him and I found myself in another blended family situation (Something I said I would never do again). We were married for 12 years.

Instead of rehashing the good, the bad and the ugly, I will talk about the lessons I learned in these relationships. I’ll be honest, by this time in my life I am tired. Tired of men, tired of fighting, tired of conflict, tired of being manipulated, tired of being DISRESPECTED!!! What can I do to break this pattern? What am I doing to attract this in my life? I am a southern girl born in Louisiana, a baby boomer, raised in the tail end of the June Clever era. We cater to our men. We are the submissive little wife. We raise our own children. We stay home while the husband works. We take care of the home. We obey our husbands. Wait, WHAT???? Yeah…… NO! Let me tell you I do believe what the Bible says about marriage and the whole submissive, obey your husband thing. But let’s be honest – these verses are taken out of context more often than not. Men use these passages as a right to control another human being and that is NOT what God meant by this. Annnnnd here is a big problem in my life. I want to have a marriage/relationship the way God designed it to be. But the only example I have is the one that, well you know that story. My mom did stay home and took care of the house and raised her children and took care of her man. BUT the man took full advantage of her kindness and vulnerability and controlled her in every way. So that’s where I found myself – being controlled. Unless you have ever been in a controlling relationship you can never fully grasp the hold it has on you. I like to use the analogy of the frog in warm water. If you throw a frog in boiling water he will jump out immediately but if you place him in warm water he feels all nice and cozy and you slowly turn up the temperature until the water is boiling and the frog will stay in the water until he dies. This is what it is like being controlled. It is so subtle at first and you are in love and you feel all nice and cozy so you ignore those little signs that tell you “hey that’s not right” and before you know it you are in hot water and you can’t get out.

Ok let’s examine my problem. I desperately want to be loved. I am looking for the knight in shining armour (I want to be saved). I want to be respected. How do I get these things?

This is the message! Hear me!

First – I have to love myself.

Second  – I have to save myself.

Third – I have to respect myself.

That is my problem. I didn’t love myself, I didn’t save myself and I didn’t respect myself. Do you remember in my past post where I said you can’t find your happiness in someone else? That is the key to unlock my chains. I have to learn to love and respect myself. How do I do that?

Lessons I learned from marriage(s):

If you don’t love yourself unconditionally you can never expect the other person to love you unconditionally. You have to use your voice. You have an opinion and it is valid and you need to be heard. There are things worth fighting for and there are things that are not worth the energy and consequences of words spoken in anger (pick your battles). There has to be compromise – it is not one way (his way). You have to communicate – don’t let them tell you your opinion doesn’t matter.  Even if you don’t agree, your opinion matters. Don’t allow yourself to be controlled. You are just as important as them and remember what I said earlier about God loving ALL of us. God does not love one person more than another He loves us ALL unconditionally. Therefore we ALL matter.

There is still the question of how do I learn to love and respect myself. There is no easy answer for this. When you have been treated like an object, a possession, it is hard to find value. I had to really get on my face and search my soul. I cried, I prayed, I fasted and I repeated. I had to put on a good poker face because as I was falling apart on the inside and I couldn’t let anyone know it. I had to find something I was good at – I had to find out what my purpose was. I feel like I am pretty artistic and I found that there was peace in this process. I did use my talents over the years off and on but never really appreciated that this was a gift from God. No matter where my career has taken me I still found myself gravitating back to my creative side. I craved it, I daydreamed about it, sometimes I was so full of ideas I thought I was going to bust. So I asked myself – is this my calling? I reminded myself that this was where my passion was, this is where my peace was. I was/am an artist – I am a decorator/designer. So I am trying to concentrate on my passion and I  am slowly finding myself and yes, I am loving myself. There is hope after all. I am getting there.