So I was going to title this blog post “Failed Relationships” but the more I thought about it the more I realized that they were also part of the pruning process so they took on a whole new meaning. To say failed is to imply there were no lessons learned and believe me, I learned a lot. I learned a lot about me and my ability to have a healthy relationship and I also learned a lot about the capabilities of others to maintain a healthy relationship. I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings because believe it or not I don’t hate my past – I appreciate it.

Love & Respect are key ingredients for a successful relationship. If you don’t have those mastered you are not going to make it. And as you all know from my last post that respect was not one that I had mastered. So I will take full responsibility for my contribution in past relationships. I have had three marriages and three divorces. I feel like a complete failure just speaking those words. I have to constantly remind myself that I was not alone. I was committed to each one of those relationships as much as I could possibly be, given what I had to work with. When you have two people who are not on the same page and can not communicate you have a recipe for disaster.

Marriage number one: I was 16 and pregnant. Boy I just jumped right in there on that one huh? First of all the fact that I was 16 and pregnant confirms that fact that I had zero respect for myself and I allowed myself to be disrespected. At 16 I was still trying to figure out who I was. Of course I didn’t realize that at the time. At 16 I thought I knew what love was and there was no way I was going to do anything other than marry the father of my child. I was presented with alternative situations but we were determined this was the way to go. I was 16 and he was 18 – we were ready to live on our own and be responsible adults. LOL – NOT. At 18 years old I found myself divorced with one child and one on the way.

Marriage number two: I was 22 and raising two children on my own. I had moved back home after my divorce but things became ugly again so I moved in with a friend. Then I met husband number two. He was also divorced and had two small children. We thought it would be grand to get married. Let me tell you if you don’t have any experience in blended families – it – is – hard. We were married 14 years and had one child together.

Marriage number three: I am still kicking myself over this one. I was completely vulnerable when this one came along and he took full advantage of it. I was 37 and really should have known better. The signs were there from the very beginning but I was so desperate for someone to love me that I ignored them. He also had two children that were living with him and I found myself in another blended family situation (Something I said I would never do again). We were married for 12 years.

Instead of rehashing the good, the bad and the ugly, I will talk about the lessons I learned in these relationships. I’ll be honest, by this time in my life I am tired. Tired of men, tired of fighting, tired of conflict, tired of being manipulated, tired of being DISRESPECTED!!! What can I do to break this pattern? What am I doing to attract this in my life? I am a southern girl born in Louisiana, a baby boomer, raised in the tail end of the June Clever era. We cater to our men. We are the submissive little wife. We raise our own children. We stay home while the husband works. We take care of the home. We obey our husbands. Wait, WHAT???? Yeah…… NO! Let me tell you I do believe what the Bible says about marriage and the whole submissive, obey your husband thing. But let’s be honest – these verses are taken out of context more often than not. Men use these passages as a right to control another human being and that is NOT what God meant by this. Annnnnd here is a big problem in my life. I want to have a marriage/relationship the way God designed it to be. But the only example I have is the one that, well you know that story. My mom did stay home and took care of the house and raised her children and took care of her man. BUT the man took full advantage of her kindness and vulnerability and controlled her in every way. So that’s where I found myself – being controlled. Unless you have ever been in a controlling relationship you can never fully grasp the hold it has on you. I like to use the analogy of the frog in warm water. If you throw a frog in boiling water he will jump out immediately but if you place him in warm water he feels all nice and cozy and you slowly turn up the temperature until the water is boiling and the frog will stay in the water until he dies. This is what it is like being controlled. It is so subtle at first and you are in love and you feel all nice and cozy so you ignore those little signs that tell you “hey that’s not right” and before you know it you are in hot water and you can’t get out.

Ok let’s examine my problem. I desperately want to be loved. I am looking for the knight in shining armour (I want to be saved). I want to be respected. How do I get these things?

This is the message! Hear me!

First – I have to love myself.

Second  – I have to save myself.

Third – I have to respect myself.

That is my problem. I didn’t love myself, I didn’t save myself and I didn’t respect myself. Do you remember in my past post where I said you can’t find your happiness in someone else? That is the key to unlock my chains. I have to learn to love and respect myself. How do I do that?

Lessons I learned from marriage(s):

If you don’t love yourself unconditionally you can never expect the other person to love you unconditionally. You have to use your voice. You have an opinion and it is valid and you need to be heard. There are things worth fighting for and there are things that are not worth the energy and consequences of words spoken in anger (pick your battles). There has to be compromise – it is not one way (his way). You have to communicate – don’t let them tell you your opinion doesn’t matter.  Even if you don’t agree, your opinion matters. Don’t allow yourself to be controlled. You are just as important as them and remember what I said earlier about God loving ALL of us. God does not love one person more than another He loves us ALL unconditionally. Therefore we ALL matter.

There is still the question of how do I learn to love and respect myself. There is no easy answer for this. When you have been treated like an object, a possession, it is hard to find value. I had to really get on my face and search my soul. I cried, I prayed, I fasted and I repeated. I had to put on a good poker face because as I was falling apart on the inside and I couldn’t let anyone know it. I had to find something I was good at – I had to find out what my purpose was. I feel like I am pretty artistic and I found that there was peace in this process. I did use my talents over the years off and on but never really appreciated that this was a gift from God. No matter where my career has taken me I still found myself gravitating back to my creative side. I craved it, I daydreamed about it, sometimes I was so full of ideas I thought I was going to bust. So I asked myself – is this my calling? I reminded myself that this was where my passion was, this is where my peace was. I was/am an artist – I am a decorator/designer. So I am trying to concentrate on my passion and I  am slowly finding myself and yes, I am loving myself. There is hope after all. I am getting there.