Hey Peaches! I’m back.

The million dollar question is: “How do I find Mr. Right?”

There are a lot of theories on this and I think I have pretty much heard them all. I would say that a big percentage of couples met when they were young, got married and had kids and lived happily ever after……not necessarily. The misconception of happily ever after is that you will marry prince charming and both live in some sort of marital nirvana. This is not true. Happily ever after means accepting each others imperfect parts and realizing that forgiveness is a huge part of being happy with each other. You see men and women were created different, we look different, we act different and we think different and we even hear things different. For example: If I say “I have nothing to wear”, a woman hears “nothing new” and a man hears “nothing clean”. We have to learn to HEAR what the other person is saying in order to understand each other.

Couples that married young and stayed together have worked hard at keeping their relationship with each other a priority. Love, respect and forgiveness. None of us are perfect and we are going to make mistakes, we are going to hurt each others feelings because we are just different. But to recognize that and say “I’m sorry” whenever it is needed is key. I know what you are thinking “I’ve heard I’m sorry so many times and things don’t change”. That is manipulation. What I’m talking about is true respect and forgiveness – humility. It’s not easy and not everyone is going to be able to do it. That’s why the divorce rate is so high. If you are going to make your relationship work, you BOTH have to be committed to each other. So when I said that I was committed to each of my marriages as much as I could be that is what I meant. Some people say that if you love someone you will stay with them no matter what. Well I say it depends on what the “what” is. There are a lot of “whats” that break up a marriage and there are a lot of “whats” that kill your love for someone. Yes I said it. You can kill love. Can you love someone and not respect them? Sure you can but it doesn’t make a lasting relationship. Can you respect someone and not love them? Sure you can but it doesn’t make a lasting relationship. Sooner or later one of you is going to give up trying if you don’t have both love and respect for each other.

Infidelity: That’s a big “what”. Some people do forgive this and they go on to have a very happy relationship. For some people it is a deal breaker period. There is the matter of trust. Will I ever be able to trust them again? Some say “once a cheater, always a cheater”.  Well for the most part I do believe this to be true but there are those few that truly regret falling into that trap and destroying the other person’s trust. Some people say they could never trust them again. I say it is a matter of choice. You can choose to forgive and you can choose to trust. Now don’t get me wrong – that trust has to be earned back – it does not come so easily but it can be done. But both have to be committed to working through it. Not just one person forgiving and the other pretending it never happened. No, you have to BOTH work through it. That is respect for each other. Some people just simply choose not to put themselves in the position to be hurt again and I totally get it. It’s about choices and we all have them.

Abuse: That’s a big “what”. A LOT of women (and men) forgive over and over and over. For some, once is a deal breaker. There are many forms of abuse. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and mental abuse. Abuse is not ok in any form.  Physical abuse – you hit me once – I’m gone. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse can happen over a period of time like the frog in warm water and you don’t really recognize it for what it is until you wake up one day and say “How did I get here and how do I get out?”.  If a person stays in an abusive relationship because they think it’s the right thing to do because they made a commitment, they are wrong. You are never required to be someone’s punching bag for any reason. This is not love or respect in any shape form or fashion. Statistics are not in your favour on this one, because more often than not it ends violently and tragically. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out, seek help, you are not alone.

Attracting the right person is dependant on a vast array of circumstances. I don’t care who you are or where you came from, you can attract the wrong person and you can attract the right person. You just have to be able to recognize the difference in the two and make good choices. Now I’m not saying that my past relationships were with terrible people (with the exception of the last one – a true narcissist). But what I am saying is that they were not the right people for me. And I was not the right person for them, otherwise we would still be together. There were a number of circumstances in each relationship and we made choices that didn’t work out.

So how do you find Mr. Right? One theory (and this is the most popular at the moment) is online dating sites. I know people who have found “the one” and are now happily married, but I have also heard all of the nightmares from both male and female that comes from online dating experiences. Another theory is church groups, if you join a church group surely you will find a good christian partner, not necessarily true. Then there is the meeting by chance, serendipity. This is by far the most romantic but unfortunately this usually only works out in the movies. I’m not saying it can’t but I am saying it usually does not.

After my third divorce I let a friend convince me to join a popular online dating group – it was not for me. After about a week and a half I had to shut that thing down! I wasn’t at all sure I really wanted another relationship but I wanted companionship. So I had a conversation with God. After three failed marriages I needed to make sure I did not make the same mistakes again. I did not want to go through another marriage/divorce. First I had to make sure I was ready. I had to make sure I was in a place of happiness just being me. I was enjoying life and I was not going to “look” for a man. I told God that if there was a man for me out there, He would have to bring him straight to my doorstep. This time I needed the right man, the man God prepared for me. Mr. Right. I made a list of qualities that I wanted in a man and it was a very detailed list, then I asked God to change it, add to it, I asked him to transform the list into His list for me. I had no idea what that looked like but I knew I trusted Him and He had my very best interest at heart. Afterall, He did create me and He knew my past and my present and my future. So I waited.

One day I got a call from a very old and dear friend. Someone that had been there for me on many occasions and whom I trusted completely. He said, “hello dear, I have someone I would like for you to meet”. My first thought was “oh jeez, I’m not sure about this”, but I listened as he talked and he began to describe this man. I actually started to giggle because everything he said about this man was everything on my list. They weren’t just general qualities, they were specific qualities down to the last detail. Half way through the phone call I knew that God had sent this man to my doorstep (so to speak) and that I had to meet him so I agreed.

We went on our first date on February 22, 2013 and the rest as they say is history. He is a true gentleman in every sense of the word and I am committed to him and our relationship. We are enjoying life and each other and the best is yet to come.