Growing up without that father daughter bonding, daddy’s girl, my daddy – my hero way of life made for zero self-worth. I never received that total acceptance kind of love from the man in my life. Instead it was filled with fear, doubt and ridicule. I think about the relationship with my kids and my grandkids and how they are comfortable just climbing up in my lap or sitting beside me without hesitation and I think “this is how it should be – this is love”. I don’t remember ever being able to do that. I remember thinking if I just stay away then I am safe.

I know now that this man loved me but he lacked self-worth himself so he behaved badly to compensate. As a teenager, a friend of the family convinced us that I should enter a beauty contest. I thought “oh my, I’m not sure I can do that. I can’t get up there in front of all those people to be gawked at”. But I did it and to my surprise I won. So I entered another one and another one. I liked winning – it made me feel good about myself. It made me think “maybe I do have value”. I entered a lot of pageants and I won a lot but not all. When I didn’t win dad would go right up to the judges and ask why. He would say “are you blind? she is the prettiest one here”. WHAAAAAAT???? He thought I was pretty? He never told me that growing up. He never made me feel that way. In fact it was quite the opposite. So I began to find self worth in my appearance. I began to notice that boys were looking at me and I began to feel pretty (as every girl should). BUT that is not all there is to self worth. I needed to find value in me, not my looks. This is a lesson I was still learning well into my adulthood. Finding value.

I remember being very artistic when I was in school. I loved art. I loved being creative. I have always heard that if you are ambidextrous you use both sides of your brain and are very artistic. In fact some very famous people like  Michelangelo, Einstein, Tesla, Leonardo da Vinci, and Truman were all ambidextrous. I was left handed as a child and dad was just not going to have that (for reasons I do not know) so he forced me to use my right hand. I would sit down to eat and automatically use my left hand and he would correct me. So I began to use my right. I learned to write with my right but could also use my left. As I became older I began to use both hands when applying makeup (notice how most women use only one hand for applying mascara – crossing over), I also began to draw and paint with both hands and was equally comfortable with both. But strangely I can only brush my teeth with my left hand. It’s weird I know. But anyway I have him to thank for that. He did me a favor and didn’t even know it. I became very interested in art in high school. I loved art class. I couldn’t wait to get there everyday to paint. It relaxed me. There was a calmness to it. But that didn’t last very long because that’s when I became pregnant, got married and quit school.

Fast forward to being pregnant with my second child (as you know I was divorced and had a toddler), I was living back at home. I just found out that my biological father had passed away and I went into a sadness that I can’t explain and that I never really talked about. I decided that I wanted to pursue art again. So I took an art class and began to paint. Again, it calmed me. I was at peace behind that paint brush. But then my second child was born and there was not time for painting. Life happened.

After I had my third child I was working from home and began dabbling in arts and crafts again. I painted a few murals and I did paintings as gifts for friends. Dad said you should really do this for a living. I thought boy wouldn’t that be great! But I know that phrase “starving artist” is not just an expression. It is very hard to make a living as an artist. So I moved on. I did however pick up a different expression of art. I began to decorate homes. I had an eye for balance and beauty. I was in my element yet again. I loved it. I had no formal training just a natural talent for it. My brain would explode with ideas and I could not wait to help clients transform their homes. I did this for years until I went through my second divorce. I needed a change so I entered the corporate world. It was good to me for about 25 years but I became restless. I would always jump at the chance to help friends and family decorate their homes.  And after my third divorce I decided to pick up a paint brush again and it felt great! I believe God gave me this talent and I believe God ordained the act of changing me from a lefty to a righty.

No matter where life has taken me He always brings me back to my passion. So right now in this moment of my life I decided to take a minute to breathe and to pray and to fast and to search God for my purpose in this thing we call life. My children are grown and have growing families. I absolutely LOVE being a grandmother and I want a house full of them. I want to leave a legacy of love and kindness. I want to teach them to love themselves and to find value in themselves. I want them to know I love them every minute of every day. I want to give them what I did not have. I want them to find their passion in life.

The lesson here is I had value all along because I belong to God. No matter what your circumstances are or where your place in life is, God is always there. If you let Him He will guide you to where you are supposed to be. You are valued by Him. He gave me a gift in the midst of a terrible storm and I am grateful. XOXO