Jealousy is an ugly monster. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who is jealous? Have you ever been jealous?

James 3:14-16 says,

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

Jealousy sparks the most vile actions and reactions. I’ve heard people say “I can tell that they love me so much because when I talk to someone else they get so jealous”. Or “I must be doing something right because they are so jealous of me”. Trust me, jealousy is not a form of love. It is not flattering in any way. And here is the real truth – it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them. Jealousy is actually the result of low self-esteem and/or insecurities. It results in toxic relationships. It involves that sense of entitlement to control. Jealousy can make people do some crazy things. Jealousy is not an emotion that should be embraced as a sign that strong love exists. In fact, it’s the opposite; jealousy comes from a perspective of self-preservation, not love towards others.  There is also Envy – do not confuse jealousy with envy. Envy happens when you want something that someone else is experiencing or you get a wishful feeling inside, like you want what they have. But this feeling does not necessarily lead to jealousy, you see; you can be envious of somebody’s situation. Jealousy says “I want what you have, and until I have it, you shouldn’t have it either.” Is there jealousy in your relationship? If so, RUN!!!!!

It started with compliments then, subtle possession then, total control. Living with a jealous narcissist is pure HELL!!!!! Once I realized the chains that held me I started to do a little research, because I didn’t want to accept that this was a normal relationship. I was tired of making excuses for this behaviour. Why was this happening? What did I do to attract this in my life. Simply walking away was not working because they would not let me go. I  began researching personality disorders based on the actions and statements made by this person who claimed to love me more than life it itself. At first I thought is was bi-polar disorder. It fit the actions, the behaviour, the personality and even the relationship. The statistics said that 75 percent of men go undiagnosed with this disorder, I found that disturbing. The more I dug the more I was convinced this was the case because the events in my life were straight out of a lifetime movie. I began to understand why people snap and do crazy things. There are several disorders that had similar symptoms/traits, so without an actual diagnosis there was no way of knowing what I was dealing with. Then I stumbled on an article on Narcissistic Behaviour. The heavens opened up, light shined down and the angels sang!!!!!! There it was in black and white, the ugly truth. I was living with a NARCISSIST.

Now, how the hell do I get away???? I know, I know, just walk away, right? WRONG. You can’t just walk away because you see , to them, you are their possession. They don’ just accept the fact that you don’t want to be with them anymore so they develop a story in their mind that you must have someone else and that triggers the jealousy and then the control.

Narcissistic behavior can be labeled as borderline, sociopathic, narcissistic, or just intolerable, but it all derives from one fundamental driving force: narcissists can’t tolerate criticism, especially public criticism. And divorcing them is about the most direct and public criticism you can make. You’ll know you’re there when your soon-to-be ex spouse begins a campaign of destruction against you. And if you don’t know how to respond and deal with it, it can take a terrible toll. They are very skillful in deflecting guilt and craziness. Mine began a campaign against me that affected many relationships in my life. And you know I struggled with that because I was still trying to get past the caring what others thought of me stage in my life. I wanted to call every single person we knew as a couple to try to defend myself but, I realized that only made me look guilty. I lost people who I thought were friends. Disordered people aren’t just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs less painful. They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do. After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we’re the crazy ones. What’s more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively, concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion. This was my reality.

I tried to break free. I tried to get the local authorities involved because it was THAT serious. There were serious threats made and I believed them. I did get a Judge to agree to a protection order. BUT the judicial system is not set up to protect victims. It is set up to protect the predators. He was so good at what he did that in the end no one in the system believed me. I was determined that I was not going to be a victim. I was determined that I was going to break free from this stronghold and live my life in freedom. I pressed on. I took precautions to protect myself and was ready to defend myself at all costs. After a long series of very scary events and my persistence he finally lost interest and moved on. THANK GOD! I know there are a lot of situations like mine that do not end well. And I understand why. I am very grateful mine finally ended and I am living. Seriously, I am alive. I have to be honest though, I still look over my shoulder, not because I am scared but because I am cautious. I still make sure I know where and what he is doing. Not because I care but because I will not be taken by surprise, I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM!!!!!

If you think you are in a Narcissistic relationship, please get help. You can’t do it on your own. Surround yourself with a support system because you will need it. If you need someone to talk to – please reach out to me. Hugs and kisses!!!

As I reflect on the past I am bombarded with many questions and emotions. Where did I come from? Who are my people? and Where do I belong?

Adoption and separation from family leaves an emptiness you can’t explain and if you have been there then you will understand. It doesn’t define who I am but it does have an emotional effect.  Most families have parents and grandparents and they know where they came from. Knowing your family history is very common for some. How important is this in your life? Does it matter who your people are?

My son recently did the DNA testing on Ancestry just for fun to see what his heritage is because like me his father was absent from his life. Can I tell you it is pretty exciting to find out where you come from? Some people say “We all have ancestors that came over on the boat at some point in time”. Yes this is true but to actually trace your ancestors down to specific people who you can read about and “get to know” if you will, is pretty interesting to me. So my kids gave me the test for Christmas. I have been tracing my people on Ancestry. I have surprisingly found relatives that I have spoken to. Relatives that are from the people that abandoned us years ago. I am surprised at how emotional it has been. Finding out what your Heritage is provides a completion of sorts. Throughout my life people have asked me what my Heritage was and I have only guessed from bits and pieces of information about my family. But now I know and it’s pretty exciting.

People make decisions that affect generations. Think about that. The decisions you make will affect your people for generations. I want the abandonment to stop with me. I want my grandchildren and great-grandchildren and great great and so on and so on to know that they come from a long line of strong women that love fiercely and take their responsibility of raising their families seriously. I want to be like Esther. My past does not define me. My actions do. I can not be responsible for other family members actions but I can be responsible for my own. So, does where I came from matter? It depends on how far back you want to go. Me – I am a child of God. That’s what really matters. God created me for a purpose and it is my responsibility to find that purpose. My journey has been a rocky one and my lessons have been many.

I was 11 when I lost my great-grandmother on my mother’s side but I do remember her. I remember she loved to cook for her family. There was always food in the kitchen and I remember her always smiling. She loved her family fiercely. I wish that I had more time with her to learn more about where her passion came from. But I do know that part of her lives in me because I have that same passion and I have passed it on to my children and grandchildren. Oh and I do still have lots of family in my life that I love dearly and I love the time we spend together making memories of our own. I have not been completely abandoned. I don’t want to give the impression that my life is lonely and sad. I have so much to be thankful for and so many people in my life that I love and they love me. I am just searching for my purpose in this journey we call life.

I had children early in life and for that time my purpose was to raise them. To be the best mother I could be, to love them and to teach them how to be successful adults. They are now grown and raising or starting to raise families of their own. I was blessed with great kids – not perfect – but great kids. They are the pride and joy of my life. If I never do anything else in life, I have been successful as a mother. It was a struggle at times and I failed many times but we made it through and we are all alive! LOL

Great faith often emerges out of desperation and anguish, and I believe people who perform brave deeds always battle fear and inadequacy. The hand of God is always at work in our lives. Just as He used the circumstances in Esther’s life, He can also use the decisions and actions in our lives to work out His divine plans and purposes for us. He takes our greatest disappointments and tragedies and turns them around for good. So when we feel that we can’t go on, we must believe that there are good things to come. So we keep pushing forward toward the prize. Every day I tell myself “Keep moving forward” “You’re going to make it”. And I do believe this!

There are times in our lives where we make the best decision we can with the circumstances given to us and we pray that we are doing the right thing. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not.  I think often times we don’t realize the effect those decisions are having on the people around us. I can’t dwell on all the wrong decisions I’ve made in my life but I can ask what did I learn from those decisions, and how can I make better ones in the future.