As I reflect on the past I am bombarded with many questions and emotions. Where did I come from? Who are my people? and Where do I belong?

Adoption and separation from family leaves an emptiness you can’t explain and if you have been there then you will understand. It doesn’t define who I am but it does have an emotional effect.  Most families have parents and grandparents and they know where they came from. Knowing your family history is very common for some. How important is this in your life? Does it matter who your people are?

My son recently did the DNA testing on Ancestry just for fun to see what his heritage is because like me his father was absent from his life. Can I tell you it is pretty exciting to find out where you come from? Some people say “We all have ancestors that came over on the boat at some point in time”. Yes this is true but to actually trace your ancestors down to specific people who you can read about and “get to know” if you will, is pretty interesting to me. So my kids gave me the test for Christmas. I have been tracing my people on Ancestry. I have surprisingly found relatives that I have spoken to. Relatives that are from the people that abandoned us years ago. I am surprised at how emotional it has been. Finding out what your Heritage is provides a completion of sorts. Throughout my life people have asked me what my Heritage was and I have only guessed from bits and pieces of information about my family. But now I know and it’s pretty exciting.

People make decisions that affect generations. Think about that. The decisions you make will affect your people for generations. I want the abandonment to stop with me. I want my grandchildren and great-grandchildren and great great and so on and so on to know that they come from a long line of strong women that love fiercely and take their responsibility of raising their families seriously. I want to be like Esther. My past does not define me. My actions do. I can not be responsible for other family members actions but I can be responsible for my own. So, does where I came from matter? It depends on how far back you want to go. Me – I am a child of God. That’s what really matters. God created me for a purpose and it is my responsibility to find that purpose. My journey has been a rocky one and my lessons have been many.

I was 11 when I lost my great-grandmother on my mother’s side but I do remember her. I remember she loved to cook for her family. There was always food in the kitchen and I remember her always smiling. She loved her family fiercely. I wish that I had more time with her to learn more about where her passion came from. But I do know that part of her lives in me because I have that same passion and I have passed it on to my children and grandchildren. Oh and I do still have lots of family in my life that I love dearly and I love the time we spend together making memories of our own. I have not been completely abandoned. I don’t want to give the impression that my life is lonely and sad. I have so much to be thankful for and so many people in my life that I love and they love me. I am just searching for my purpose in this journey we call life.

I had children early in life and for that time my purpose was to raise them. To be the best mother I could be, to love them and to teach them how to be successful adults. They are now grown and raising or starting to raise families of their own. I was blessed with great kids – not perfect – but great kids. They are the pride and joy of my life. If I never do anything else in life, I have been successful as a mother. It was a struggle at times and I failed many times but we made it through and we are all alive! LOL

Great faith often emerges out of desperation and anguish, and I believe people who perform brave deeds always battle fear and inadequacy. The hand of God is always at work in our lives. Just as He used the circumstances in Esther’s life, He can also use the decisions and actions in our lives to work out His divine plans and purposes for us. He takes our greatest disappointments and tragedies and turns them around for good. So when we feel that we can’t go on, we must believe that there are good things to come. So we keep pushing forward toward the prize. Every day I tell myself “Keep moving forward” “You’re going to make it”. And I do believe this!

There are times in our lives where we make the best decision we can with the circumstances given to us and we pray that we are doing the right thing. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it does not.  I think often times we don’t realize the effect those decisions are having on the people around us. I can’t dwell on all the wrong decisions I’ve made in my life but I can ask what did I learn from those decisions, and how can I make better ones in the future.